Raising a large family is quite a challenge. As a mom of many, I can truly appreciate that mothering one child can be a 24/7 job, much less 4 or more. While some choose to make mothering their full-time job, others have also chosen to pursue other careers and causes as well. In this series of articles, I will be interviewing successful moms who have found a way to juggle their large family and other pursuits. This feature is not to downplay the importance of being a mother-first, but to encourage women who fear having a large family will hinder them professionally, and show them that you can be successful and have many children family too.
L. Shelby is a fiction writer and has written numerous short stories and full-length novels. Michelle was kind enough to sit down with Lotsofkids and tell us a little about herself and her work.
First of all, do you go by Michelle or Shelby?
I answer to both. Also to Chelle, Lavender, and Lady Lavender.
You have 6 children. Tell us about them.
My oldest is a seventeen-year-old gaming geek. He particularly likes strategic games, and not only likes to play them, but to design them as well. He's constantly analyzing things, and when involved in his thoughts he can be three feet away from someone yelling "Dinner Time," and not even hear them.
Next I have a bright, hard working straight A student daughter, aged 15. She loves to draw, and is addicted to comedy and humor, because when she works she works so hard that afterwards she really needs to wind down. She loves the Marx brothers movies (particularly A Night at the Opera), and the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta, Pirates of Penzance.
Then I have the 13-year-old female edition of the gaming geek. (They run in the family, my husband is a gaming geek also.) She's 'gifted', and very easily bored: our local schools don't have the resources to do much enrichment for the brightest kids, so we put her in an online school for four years, so she wouldn't spend most of her day stuck in a classroom, having a teacher tell her things she already knew. She plays the flute.
My 11-year-old is clever and creative. She loves music and stories, and plays the violin -- but for the most part she hasn't really settled into any particular hobbies. Everything interests her.
I have a 9-year-old boy who loves tools, machines and sports. He scores extremely high in math skills, but his language skills aren't so good. He hardly spoke at all until he was four years old.
Lastly, I have 7-year-old daughter who is very people oriented, and loves fairies, and animals, and pink. She is always making up songs that she sings to herself.
Did you always want to have a large family?
Yes. I grew up in a large family, and that was the part of my childhood that I liked best. (That and growing up within easy driving distance of the Rocky Mountains.) I enjoyed spending time with children younger than I, and wanted a bunch of my own.
You are Canadian, but you moved to the States after meeting your husband. How did you meet?
I was attending BYU in Utah, and living in the dorms, and my dormmates gave me tickets to a movie that they had discovered they would not be able to use. "But there's two tickets here," I protested. "I don't have anyone to go with." They rolled their eyes and ordered me firmly to go to the next dorm over and *find* someone. None of the girls living nextdoor over were available that night, but there was this guy who had come to call on them, and having asked everyone else there if they could go it seemed really impolite not to ask him.
He said yes.
It wasn't time for the movie to start yet, and while we were chatting to fill the time, I mentioned writing. "You write?" he asked. "Do I write?" I responded, and leading him over to my dorm I preceded to throw my story notebooks down at his feet. I started writing in Jr. High and I kept all the stories I had ever worked on readily to hand. By the time I hit college, the notebooks and binders I stored them in took up about two feet of shelf space. Apparently he found the lot of them stacked at his feet a rather impressive introduction.
It probably helped that he was an English major.
You say that writing is in your blood? Explain that a bit?
I don't try to come up with stories to write down. I don't go looking for ideas. When I ask myself "what should I write next?" I'm trying to decide between several possibilities, not hunting for the first one. You see, everything I read, watch and see seems to go into a big compost heap in my mind, that story just grows up out of. It's not only something I don't have to turn on, it's something that I seem incapable of turning off.
Although, just because I say I have stories constantly growing in my head, doesn't mean I know what happens in that story. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. What I do know is: who the main characters are, where they live, the problems they are facing... and that I want to see them overcome those problems. If I don't write the story out for those characters, so that they can reach some triumphant conclusion, they remain in my head, sprawled across my mental furniture, getting their legs and feet in the way whenever I try to think about anything else.
The crowding up there can become very uncomfortable.
How often do you write?
When I am in first draft stage, that is, when I am writing a story down for the very first time, I set myself a quota of a thousand words a day, and five thousand words a week. As soon as I notice that I've gotten past my quota, I'm supposed to stop writing. I tend to write between 1200-1400 words a day (it takes about an hour and a half to two hours most days) and it usually takes me four days of writing to hit my week's quota. Some weeks I don't make the quota, because life happens, but as long as I am trying to maintain that speed, I can usually get enough writing days in that I finish a 100 000 word novel in about nine months... I spend the remaining three months of the year doing revisions, and waiting for feedback from beta readers, so I can do even more revisions.
My writing schedule is a very unusual system... usually writers who use a quota are trying to encourage themselves to write more than a certain number of words, but they only stop if they feel like it. My system is built to try and prevent myself from writing too much too fast. I find that although I naturally tend toward 'binge writing' it wears me out, and I end up having too many days where I feel too tired and brain dead to write anything. Keeping a tight rein on my output actually leads to more writing getting done over all.
How does having a large family impact your writing?
Um... One of my fantasy worlds is based on the concept of "What would a fantasy world look like, if it was built by gods who were children?" Does that count?
I always thought that the reason I was so gung-ho on having a large family, was because as a creative person, I craved variety. I was a writer before I had a large family, and I am a writer still, and unless I suffer from serious brain damage, it is unlikely that I will ever not be a writer. But raising a large family gives one all sorts of valuable life experiences to incorporate into my works (people tell me I'm very good at characters, and character relationships, for example.) Like most things that provide one with life experience, it has a tendency to limit the amount of time one can spend writing -- but that's a trade-off that is well worth making.
I personally find it hard to get big blocks of time to write fiction, particularly with the noise level. Is this a problem for you?
As previously mentioned I started writing stories in notebooks (that I carried everywhere with me) when I was in Jr. High. I wrote during my classes at school, I wrote on the bus, I wrote in the car when we were driving up in the mountains for family camping trips. It never occurred to me that I was supposed to need large blocks of time, or peace and quiet to write. (I don't think I knew what peace and quiet were -- I was fourth oldest in a family of eight, after all.)
Interruptions are another situation, of course, because they force you to pay attention. It tends to take a while for the real world to resurface when my brain is very deep in some other universe, but I don't complain when the kids come to me while I'm writing -- I'm their mother, I'm supposed to be there for them. On the other hand, they do have to work pretty hard to get my attention in the first place, and once they have it, if what they want doesn't need to be dealt with immediately, I tell them to come back later. Until I've written my words for the day, I'm not available for chit-chat or trivialities. Eventually the kids learn that there is no point in bringing anything other than an emergency to my attention while I'm writing.
The youngest children are the biggest challenge. Sometimes they just can't wait that long. I have been known to prop my infants up on a pillow between myself and my computer desk and write while I nursed them, or to try write and simultaneously play crazy eights or go fish, in an attempt to meet both my needs, and that of my children.
You have a story "Frozen Witness" that has appeared in the anthology "Polaris: A Celebration of Polar Science". Tell us a little about it.
Frozen Witness is a hard science fiction murder mystery. ("Hard" science fiction means that the story concept is based on some real scientific premise, rather than being just an adventure story set in space.)
I got the idea for the story while I was doing research for a fantasy novel. (Yes, believe it or not, writing fantasy novels does, frequently, involve research.) I was reading up on animal behaviors during winter, (because I was going to be writing about a bunch of people wandering around in the wilderness in the middle of winter) and something I read about frogs gave me an idea for a bit of history I could give one of the worlds in the science fiction universe where I intended to set my next novel -- a world that I knew had an extremely cold climate.
I had met Julie E. Czerneda, who is both an editor and science fiction author of some note, at a science fiction convention, and talked her into putting my name down as a possible person to send anthology invitations to... And what do you know, when the invitation came, it was asking for a hard science fiction story about polar science for an anthology that would be produced by a Canadian publisher, primarily for the educational market as part of the "Celebration of the Polar Year". And I said, "Hmmmm. That idea I had for the ice world -- if I wrote that up as a short story, that would probably count as 'polar science', wouldn't it?"
Apparently it did.
Polaris just won a 2007 Canadian Science Writer’s Association’s Award for Science Book for Youth. That's very impressive. Congratulations on being a part of that. How do you feel about having the distinction of being in an award winning book?
I confess, I get a big kick out of it. It sounds impressive. When you have been hovering on the edge of success in one's chosen profession for as long as I have, it's a big relief to be able to finally trot out a credential that actually sounds significant.
But at the same time it feels a little implausible. I wrote a murder mystery set on a world that doesn't exist. How does that land me in a book that has won an award for science writing? I keep thinking that if they knew how little scientific research I did for that story they would denounce me as an impostor.
Tell us about some of your other projects?
That could takes months. But, in brief...
With my writing I'm working on three different story worlds in rotation. (I like variety.) One is for classic, high fantasy, epic adventure... magic swords, dragons, elves, handsome princes, that sort of thing. One is for space adventures. And in the last world I have been writing stories of intrigue and romance set in a tropical empire -- lots of exotic fashion and culture and witty dialog.
I'm also using computer graphic imaging software to make a graphic novel: it's a romance, but the main characters are space pirates. Getting them happily paired off involves assorted duels, kidnappings, and space battles.
When I take the kids to music lessons, I take pencil and paper with me, and while I'm waiting I work on a different, calmer graphic novel, telling the tale of a young woman who loves gardens, and her resilience in the face of a more domestic type of adversity.
And every once in a while I attempt a little songwriting.
Is your husband and family supportive of your work?
My husband loves the stories I write and has always been very supportive of my desire to turn that into a career. He's less interested in some of my other creative interests, but he knows that they are very important to me, and that if I don't occasionally make music and art, I am a less happy person. He always does his best to make sure I have those opportunities. (And he isn't above making use of my artistic abilities when he finds he has a use for them.)
My kids seem to think I'm a fun, wacky sort of a mom to have. (Some of them have inherited my creativity, and have creative projects of their own constantly underway.) Sometimes they wish I was a little better at practical things, though.
As a writer myself, I can very much relate to this. Do your children read your writing? Do they enjoy your stories? Do anyone of them share in your love of writing? And yes, I know that's a lot of questions!
Most of what I currently write isn't intended for children. Which doesn't mean that I do x-rated, just that I like creating complicated stories with deep characterization. My oldest son tries to read everything I write... and he finishes about half. Which means I'm doing better than books he brings home from the library... he only finishes about one in six of those. He's picky. He is also the only other writer in the family (so far), although he doesn't write as much, or as consistently. My next daughter has only read the one young adult that got printed up in book form at lulu.com for free, but she liked it so much she begged to be allowed to give away to a friend who was moving away. She took great delight in informing her friend that she now owned the only copy of this book in existence.
What advice would you give a parent of a large family who is thinking of pursuing writing as side business or career?
The usual advice for anyone thinking of a career writing fiction is DON'T. I just read a statistic somewhere: one out of every two Americans thinks they might be able to write a book, and yet there are fewer people supporting themselves writing fiction in the United States, than there are people supporting themselves playing baseball. Writing fiction well enough to get paid for it is much, much harder than most people think.
There are also so many traps out there for the unwary, I can't even list them. There are people out there who make a living out preying on the ignorance and desperate hopefulness of would-be writers -- cheating them out of their money, and providing only false assurances in return. If you are going to try writing fiction professionally, know that it is so hard that its effectively impossible, and realize that you don't care, you want to do it anyway. Then research the field very thoroughly, and never, ever, ever send anyone money. You are the writer, you are providing the content, people are supposed to be paying you.
Making a living writing non-fiction is a much less implausible proposition, but it's still not the glamorous and lucrative lifestyle that one sees on tv or in movies. Not only is writing, fiction or non-fiction, harder than it looks, it is a very, very slow business. There is a lot of waiting. Waiting to know if it sold. Waiting to get your check. It can easily take more than a year after you finish writing something to actually get paid for it. (With books we are talking closer to three years.) It takes patience, consistency and dedication to keep doing the work, knowing that you won't see any returns for a very long time. (It's a lot like parenting, really.)
But the hardest thing about it is also the best thing about it. All you need to be a writer is a word-processor. You can write at any time of the day that you are mentally alert; you can work in any room of the house -- it's such a convenient and flexible business, that it can be very hard to treat it *as* a business. But writing really is work. If you treat it like a hobby, you are not likely to make a success of it. You need to be able to be strict with yourself, write regularly, and not always put it off as the thing that you will get to when you can. That's hard to do when you have so many possible distractions. It takes real determination and discipline
Of all of the things you have accomplished up til now, what are you most proud of?
I think my marriage is my most notable accomplishment. I have been married for almost eighteen years, and I'm thirty-seven. Meaning that I got married when I was nineteen. My mother was terrified that I had made a mistake... until she actually had a chance to spend time getting to know my husband, who is a wonderful, wonderful man.
Your site, LShelby.com gives a lot of information about you and your work. You mention that you created it yourself. Do you like to do webdesign?
Yes, very much.
My father wanted me to be a programmer, because he thought I would be good at it, and webdesign allows me to combine my creative, artistic side, with my pro-tech, geeky side, just as writing science fiction does. If I had to get a more conventional job, that is probably what it would be, but right now it's simply a fun hobby.
Silly question, what would you rather have, coffee or tea? And how do you take it?
I mostly just drink water. I'm a bit afraid to try any kind of stimulant -- my brain seems a bit on the overactive side already.
Aside from pursuing a writing career and raising a large family, you also struggle with some health issues. This has been a mixed thing for you. Would you like to talk about it a little.
One of the reasons that I seem to get so much creative work done, is that I really don't do much else. I provide my kids with love, attention, advice, answers, hugs... but I don't shop, or do housework, or cook. My household is run by my husband and kids.
I have very low energy levels. At the moment, just sitting up for any length of time exhausts me, and I save what little physical energy I have for those times when I really need to get out of bed... driving kids to events (which, by necessity, are kept to a minimum), doctors appointments, a (very short) daily walk to prevent my muscles from atrophying -- things like that. But I spend most of my day of lying down in bed. All the creative activities I am currently pursuing are things that, with the help of my laptop computer, can be done while reclining.
I have had low energy problems since I was thirteen, although they have not always been so severe as they are right now. I missed a huge chunk of high school -- finally graduating from a correspondence school, had to drop out of college, had to give up my dreams of preforming in musicals, can no longer do the active outdoor activities that I enjoyed as a child. So I've found other things to do.
You are very honest in admitting that your self-pursuits are important to you and would not be given up at the expense of a large family. Can you elaborate?
I regret that a lot, but when one has no choice but to let the household fall apart, one discovers that it isn't the end of the world that the cupboards aren't wiped and the floor needs mopping.
During those times when I am feeling my best, the balance of activities that I pursue changes. More housework gets done. The kids and I do more projects together: crafts, costuming, historical reenactment, and we get out of the house more. I still write, but I write in the evenings, after the kids are in bed. Do I wish that was my schedule all the time? You betcha! But I've learned that the most important thing I can do for my children is to be the happiest possible person I can be under the circumstances. If I'm a mental wreak, it is impossible to give my children the emotional support that is what they really need the most. Anyone can do the dishes. Anyone can cook the meals. Only I can be Mom. Whatever happens, I have to feel up to handing out the hugs, and admiring the artwork, and listening to the stories about horrible teachers at school. For me, that means I need at least some creative outlets: they keep me sane.
Now for a more personal question, many people who struggle with a physical condition may feel it impossible to have a large family. What would you say to them about that?
I get very little flack, because nobody realizes that I'm as sick as I am. I look fine. I'm physically capable of doing anything I want... I just can't do it for very long. Low energy is a very invisible sort of disability... which is, of course, its own set of problems.
I seriously don't know that I would have dared to try this many kids if I knew just how rough things would eventually get. But my doctors kept telling me that there wasn't anything wrong, and with a problem that gets better and worse, well, an optimistic person like myself always assumes its going to mostly be better. I actually wanted more than six. My husband and I had to look seriously at what was going on and say "look, we just can't do this anymore."
But at the same time, having a large family is much easier than people with small families assume, and parents in this day and age seem to have very strange ideas of what is required of a parent. Even when I am feeling my best I expend less energy on all six of my kids than the average parent does on their two, and yet my kids are reasonably healthy, generally happy, very well behaved, admired for their creativity and sense of self-worth, and get good marks in school.
Mostly my concerns are over the strain our situation puts on my husband, not on the well-being of my kids. I wish I could do more for them, but, frankly, they seem to be doing at least as well as anyone else's kids, even when I don't. In spite of (or perhaps because of) my disabilities and outside interests, I've provided them with strong family ties, an instant emotional support network, excellent life skills training, high creative and intellectual development, and the knowledge that life isn't ever going to be perfect, and that there is no free lunch -- but there are accomplishments that can be achieved and fun to be had anyway. When it comes to preparing them for adulthood, where are they getting short-changed?
It is my conviction that raising children doesn't mean doing things for them, half as much as it means providing them with the skills and attitudes they need to be able to do things for themselves.
We were talking about parenting and how some people have unrealistic expectations of being a perfect mom or dad. You have a wonderful philosophy about that. Would you share it?
My philosophy about perfect parenting...
I think it's impossible.
IF you could somehow manage to be perfect as a parent, your perfect performance would give your children utterly unrealistic expectation of what they and their future spouse can accomplish-- which isn't a good thing for a parent to do, therefore...
We thank Michelle for sitting down with us. Be sure to visit her website at lshelby.com to learn more about her work.
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