| November 2007 - This feature is a regular article where I share my observations, reflections, and "musings" about being a mother of a large family. I hope you enjoy my ramblings, and perhaps they will help inspire you, make you smile, or at the very least help pass a few minutes in your hectic day. |
I had a parent-teacher conference with my daughter's school a short while back. As expected, we talked about her progress, her strong points and the areas she needs working on. My daughter is not the most organized. This might be alarming if you didn't know her father. My husband is one of those people who is actually more organized when things are in a state of disarray. That pile of junk might be an eyesore, but if you move it, he'll won't have a clue where everything is for a month. That said, I'm a pretty organized person, so you'd think there'd be some middle ground with my daughter. No. She's a mess. So, as expected, the conversation turned to her disorder. The teacher mentioned how she had to get more organized. Then, at the end of what was sounding like a nice, encouraging talk, the teacher comments to my daughter that if she gets more organized in her looks and appearance, she'll be more organized in her schoolwork. Then there was the comment about her not wearing dirty clothes to school...but at that point I was too stunned to comment.
Now, my sister is a teacher. I can appreciate that a teacher needs to try to help push their student on the right path. Mentoring is very important. What appaulled me was the fact that a teacher was stressing to my daughter that appearance is tied into self-esteem and academic success. More importantly, not appearance in general, but the teacher's perception of what constitutes "good looking." My daughter is a tomboy, and enjoys comfortable clothing. She's very happy with the way she looks. So, this was not an issue of my daughter not being happy with her image either.
Needless to say, most people I have told this story to were pretty shocked. Even my sister had to pick her jaw up off the ground. While, I too, was floored, after I stopped and really thought about it, I realized I shouldn't be. This sentiment was not coming out of left field, and it is hardly new.
The world is so tied up on things. Our worth is not defined by who we are, but by what we own. Our value is not determined by our intellect, but what car we drive. Our achievements are not defined by their impact on the world, but by how they impact our pocketbook. Our likeability is not gauged by our personality, but by how cool our clothing is. Seeing a kid who doesn't have designer clothing, and whose parents aren't concerned that their child has the best of everything is shocking to them. I'm sure they wonder, "don't they care what people think?"
Actually, I know what people think. I've heard it before. They should hear what I'm thinking.
The aforementioned meeting is just the type of situation that screams to a parent to homeschool their children. Many already complain about the number of teachers who don't care about students or children. Thing is, while it was upsetting that we were put on the spot like that, I was far more disturbed at the message that was being presented. Without saying it, the teacher was advocating looks over function. She was suggesting my daughter would fail if she was not coiffed a certain way (yes, there was a mention about her hair too, but I'm not getting into that). In an age of Columbine, where students felt so ostracized by other students and teachers, to the point they turned to murder, it was almost unthinkable that a teacher would even considering saying such a thing.
The sad thing is...I believe that teacher thought she was doing a good thing. Perhaps she did it in front of us to embarrass us into conforming. Perhaps it was her way of making a statement without making a statement. But bottom line, she did it in the hopes that my daughter would change...change for what the teacher thought would be the better.
Thankfully, my daughter is a bright kid. She took the comments in stride. We had a long talk afterwards, where I stressed that I wanted her to be happy for who she was inside, not a fake shell outside. If nothing else, it offered an opportunity for a heart to heart. She told me she would far rather a houseful of brother and sisters than a closet full of designer clothes.
I should go on to defend myself and mention that my daughter does not attend school in unlaundered clothing. I will be first to admit my children have a fair share of second-hand clothing. And I'll wave my hand at being environmentally responsible for not throwing out every piece of clothing that gets a ketchup stain on it! Frankly, I think the teacher knew that. I'm sure the teacher felt it less offensive to say "dirty," rather than say "not trendy" or "used" or the dreaded "low-class." When your value is tied into things, it's actually more palatable to suggest a parent is untidy than to say they are poor. Of course, the question is, "poor by whose standard?"
Oh, and before anyone considers feeling bad for my kids...my favorite places to shop for clothes are Target, Old Navy, and Land's End. Needless to say, the brand-new clothing my kids get is not too shabby.
As I sit here writing this, I have to wonder. I know there are many people who have criticized me for denying my child by virtue of having a large family. Yet, in the next breathe, I am told repeatedly how thoughtful, and considerate, and what good citizens my children are. I know that having a big family is a large part of that. It's funny, when I say that, most teachers blow that off. I guess they have to. To admit it would mean admitting that maybe there is something more to life than nice clothes and designer everything.
To me, there's no maybe about it. I'll take my kids...tattered rags and all...over that junk any time.
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Article by: Michelle Lehmann
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