| August 2004 - This feature is a regular article where I share my observations, reflections, and "musings" about being a mother of a large family. I hope you enjoy my ramblings, and perhaps they will help inspire you, make you smile, or at the very least help pass a few minutes in your hectic day. |
On a particular morning not so long ago, I woke up and realized my baby was not in my bed. We are a co-sleeping family, meaning our children share our bed with us when they want. While that may cause people to envision a mass of bodies crowded on a full size mattress, that's not quite the case. We do have those moments, and an occasional toe in the eye is not unheard of. For the most part, though, as our children have gotten older, they have moved into their own beds. It is not uncommon for Paige not to be in our bed. She is very close to her grandmother, who lives with us, and oftentimes sleeps with her. On this particular morning, however, she was not with my mother either.
Not really concerned, but more curious, I did a little search. Being summer, my children had stayed up late to watch videos and had fallen asleep on the floor in front of the t.v. Among them was my youngest daughter. She was asleep, her oldest sister's arm around her, content as can be. It was then that I realized Paige was truly one of the gang.
An argument that is often made by people against large families is the fact that children risk being neglected when they have too many siblings. A parent is only human, and there is a limit on how much time can be spent with each individual child. Advocates of small families claim that children in large households do not thrive and lag behind their counterparts. What is often left out of that argument is that where children of large families may miss out on being the full center of attention of their parents, children in small families miss out on the joys of having an abundance of attention from a group of siblings...a built in fanclub as it were.
It amazes me that my 10 month old adores my other children. Even as a baby, she knows they are her brothers and sisters and longs to be with them. Even though I must divide my attention among all 6 of them, the truth is sometimes they don't want that attention. They would rather run after each other. They have formed deep friendships and learn the important lesson that we should not depend on one person for all of our support and enjoyment. They also learn that others depend on them and there is pride and fulfillment in being there for someone else.
I am not arguing that children in a 2 kid household do not learn these lessons. But it is easy to become dependent on that constant attention from mom and dad. When a child is the focus all the time, it's an simple trap to fall into where the child becomes so accustomed to being the center of attention that when entering the world beyond home (be it school or later on in the workplace), he/she child has difficulty adjusting to simply being one in the crowd.
As parents, especially in a large household, we must grapple with a fair amount of guilt about the limited time we have to devote to each child. We are surrounded by sitcom images of parents sitting with their children doing homework, baking cookies. There are few depictions of chaos or the disorganization that is a part of normal daily life. While images of outings and jam-packed days are equated with good parenting, truth is real life is a series of small events that weave together into a wonderful tapestry. If we reflect, we will see that we spend far more time with our children than we may realize, and more time than may be obvious to the world. While we may not be taking our kids to the park daily, or trekking to the museum, cultural center, or endless lessons of various types, we are spending quality time in other ways. Making dinner together in the kitchen. Teaching a child how to wash laundry. Gathering in the living room to talk and laugh and enjoy just being together. These things may not seems significant, but they are important, and in many ways what truly matters. Adulthood is not non-stop fun, and it's a gift that we show our children that every day is filled with varying degrees of work, play, and attention. Our conversations with our children during our daily routine are important, and as children are good a doing, they will seek out these moments as ways of finding that alone time with mom and dad.
As tempting as it is to sometimes thing we can totally mold our children, we must be aware there are things that siblings can teach a child that we cannot. While we can instruct a child how to resolve an argument, it is when they are in the middle of a fight with their brother/sister that they truly learn negotiating skills. It's difficult for a child to know how to comfort their parents or another adult when they are upset, but it's easy to hug a sibling when they are hurt. It is unfair for the world to feel that having "too many" children means neglecting our children. We are simply giving them different life experiences, and ones that will serve our children well in the future.
100 years ago large families were the norm, not the exception. There was not a concern that a child would not strive. There wasn't a thought that one child might be left behind. Perhaps we must stop looking at the children but looking at ourselves. The world says we are capable of doing anything, being anything we want to be, but yet when it comes to parenting we are to doubt our ability to parent more than 2 children adequately? We should have more confidence in our ability to parent, our ability to juggle more than a couple of things at a time, and feel more secure with the knowledge that our children will be okay and have more than enough love to go around.
Later that same day after the kids had awoken, I was holding Paige and playing peek-a-boo. My oldest ran through the house, her siblings following her. "C'mon, let's go outside and play!" Paige immediately sprang up, looking longingly in their direction. Playtime with mommy was over. She gave me a pleading look. I smiled and asked, "do you want to go play outside with them?" She answered with a smile. As her brother took her, I was the one feeling a bit neglected. I didn't have a concern about my baby, however. She was actually getting more attention than I could ever give her. I realized having lots of children should not be a source of guilt or embarrassment, but something I should be proud and honored to give my kids.
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Article by: Michelle Lehmann
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